


when angels cough blood (on flowers of evil in bloom)

by lovehwa (redfears)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Biblical Themes (Abrahamic Religions), Blood, Domestic, Falling Out of Love, Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Kinda?, Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X)-centric, M/M, Mentioned Im Changkyun | I.M, Mentioned Lee Jooheon, Model Chae Hyungwon, Model Lee Minhyuk, Sad Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Worth Issues, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29095503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redfears/pseuds/lovehwa
Summary: Minhyuk finds it a bit funny in a twisted way how Hanahaki disease used to be an inside joke in his friend group when they were growing up. One of his friends, Changkyun, used to say "Be careful, you'll catch Hanahaki" when someone in the group confessed they had a crush on someone. It had merely been a joke. Minhyuk had always laughed along.Years later, when Minhyuk is coughing the last of his lungs out in the toilet of his and Hyungwon's shared apartment and not only crimson rose petals but also droplets of blood are staining the floor, surprisingly, the joke isn't funny anymore.Hyungwon's love had just felt so good, so fulfilling, like nectar manufactured by no other than the Seraphim, the angels nearest to God. Minhyuk finds it twisted how something that had felt so holy could have turned out to be so sickly infernal.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	when angels cough blood (on flowers of evil in bloom)

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't plan on publishing this when I wrote this. This was just meant to be for me, but in the end, it felt too precious not to share.
> 
> The title is from the song The Funeral of Hearts by HIM, slightly altered to suit the theme.

Minhyuk doesn't know why he has always been so intrigued by the concept of unrequited love.

He has always found some masochistic beauty in having his heart ripped in two. He has found a home in staring at the night sky with tears staining his cheeks and yearning for something that will never come. It's soothing in a way, to be already broken and not having to fear for the moment a seemingly perfect love story tears him from the inside. No. It's much easier when the damage has already been done rather than continually feeling the sense of impending doom when loving kisses caress his lips, kisses that would someday swallow his whole soul.

It's not that his heart has actually been broken multiple times, he just tends to imagine a little too much. He's living so deep inside his head that it doesn't matter whether something happens in real life or in his imagination, it's still substantial to him either way. It is, in fact, so real that when he lets his mind create an image of a love interest sitting next to him and holding his hand and he can't, despite the hazy fog of his imagination polishing off the sharp edge, be anything but well aware that the person he is imagining next to him most likely loves someone else, he falls apart. His eyes produce hot tears that drip down his face while his throat is desperately choking on a scream that can't find its way out of his lungs. He collapses on his soft, white bedsheet and stares into the void. His chest is on fire, once again, but he can't stop creating even more heartwrenching images in his head. The pain is excruciating, as always.

One night, Minhyuk lets out a burst of choked laughter and thinks to himself that he should be happy he hasn't yet come down with Hanahaki disease. Although only one in twenty people suffering from unrequited love start to grow flowers in their lungs, he has developed unreciprocated feelings to other people so many times that the fact that he's even alive at this point seems like a miracle.

Minhyuk is a desperate dreamer, too much for his own good. His friends have said they are jealous of his optimistic outlook on life. They also have said they admire the astonishing resilience that keeps him going and also lifts up everyone else around him when they are having a rough time and are on the verge of giving up. 

"Minhyuk's warm and innocent smile could heal a broken heart," his friend Jooheon has once said. It hurts him a little how oblivious they are that it's his own heart that needs healing. He has awkwardly damaged it so much all by himself that he's never going to let anyone see how much of a bloody mess it is.

One thing is for sure, though. Minhyuk will never let anyone reciprocate his feelings, even if that means finally getting the Hanahaki disease and dying from the roots tearing his insides. He wouldn't let anyone in, even if his life depended on it. The outcome would be nothing but ugly either way. It would only leave him aching in dirty, tear-stained bedsheets and dull his eyes for good when the ugly truth finally comes up. Another person would also inevitably get a little hurt in a breakup, and that's the last thing Minhyuk wants. He'd rather suffer alone than to drag someone down with him.

A real breakup sounds even worse than being consumed by a painful illness that would become lethal if left untreated. In death, Minhyuk would at least be free from the overwhelming cycle of loving and getting his heart eventually crushed, and he wouldn't hurt anyone completely innocent in the process.

It all seems so gory and melodramatic, but to him, it feels right. He is a bit different, after all, compared to his peers. He'd happily let a potential Hanahaki consume him than ever get involved in a messy breakup. If that makes him obnoxious, so be it.

***

When Minhyuk meets Hyungwon at a photoshoot, however, things change a bit. He has grown a few years from that broken and secretly love-deprived Minhyuk that he used to be, and when he sees that beautiful creature with fluffy, dark hair and eyes so deep they could easily drown a grown man, he has no choice but to surrender. He feels like a deer in the headlights, unable to move. Those eyes could kill but those soft and full lips could heal him like no one else. He is sold. Completely. 

Hyungwon feels like a long lost friend that he has unknowingly been searching for his whole life, and there he is, right in front of him. He could not let that man go.

Although he's not the same sad and immature Minhyuk he used to be a few years ago, he still carries the same childlike innocence in his heart. It makes him believe that maybe Hyungwon is the one. Perhaps all those former, rather artificial heartbreaks have been just preparing him for Hyungwon so that Minhyuk could finally love him, give him his everything and let his heart sing freely after years of pain. Maybe all the agony has been just preparing him for true love. They say things will often make sense when we get a bit older, and to Minhyuk, that seems believable.

When Minhyuk thinks of Hyungwon and his laughter that caresses his soul like the warmth of relaxing red wine flowing in his veins, no other choice seems possible.

When Hyungwon finally drowns him in lustful kisses and delicate touches and confesses to him in the most beautiful way ever possible, Minhyuk decides he will finally put his old self into rest and let all the strains that have held him back come undone.

He lets himself fall in love.

And by that, he makes a fatal mistake.

***

His and Hyungwon's love starts well. Minhyuk has already been planning on moving to a bigger city, and Hyungwon's existence just makes the decision easier. Of course, he will move. Most of his work offers come from there, anyway, and being able to see his boyfriend every day sounds like heaven.

When a couple more things fall into place and he is finally carrying his old stuff into a new, shared, apartment in the city he has always wanted to live in, he is on the verge of tears. Happy tears, of course. Hyungwon's soulful eyes seem like they're glistening, too.

The first morning in their own home is beautiful. It's Saturday. When Minhyuk wakes up around 9 a.m., Hyungwon is still sleeping. After all this time, Minhyuk still can't get over how ethereal and peaceful his boyfriend looks when he's asleep. Dark strands of long, overgrown hair fall on his forehead. They criss-cross over his lush eyelashes, which Minhyuk has always secretly envied. His full lips are slightly parted, and his silent breaths flutter his hair just slightly. Minhyuk tries to be extra quiet when he grabs his phone from the wooden nightstands and takes a picture of the sight.

Half an hour later, they're both sitting by their kitchen table. Hyungwon holds a white mug of warm tea on his hand and looks out the window. His eyes reflect the light so that they look like they're shining despite the gloomy weather. The white t-shirt he wore in bed reveals his collarbones and Minhyuk still wonders how he even managed to build a home with someone who would rather belong to an art museum. When they've finished their tea along with yesterday's leftovers, time is all they've got in their hands. The concept of everflowing time used to make Minhyuk anxious, but now, it feels like a blessing. There's nowhere he'd rather be than next to his lover whose divinity he still cannot grasp.

All of this makes Minhyuk think that maybe miracles still exist. Hyungwon's kisses are there to prove it. When his long strands of hair and little exhales tickle Minhyuk's cheeks, it feels like fairies are dancing on his skin. The tingly feeling in his chest has not subsided even the slightest throughout this time. His heart still aches the same way it did back then when Hyungwon drowned him in his love for the first time.

It takes time to get used to living with another person, of course. You always have to take the other person and their habits into account. Naturally, Minhyuk's often gets frustrated when he sees Hyungwon leave empty packages of food lying around and always saves the last bits of juice for Minhyuk to drink. Minhyuk never wants to drink that because somehow to his mind the last drops of juice equal borderline expired. In the end, he just gets annoyed at Hyungwon and his irritating habits. But it's alright. They're willing to get used to it because, in reality, there's nowhere they'd rather live than with each other. They love each other, so they'll get used to it. 

And soon, they will. If Minhyuk thinks about the time when he was living by himself, the time before Hyungwon, he's not even sure how he was able to manage that. How did he not get lonely? How did he not go insane? When he recalls those times a bit more, however, it occurs to him that at the time he was both of those things. It had probably just ingrained to his core of being so deeply that it had felt completely normal. It's only when the burden is lifted that he notices how much he had struggled to breathe.

With Hyungwon, breathing never requires any effort. It's suddenly not painful anymore. Even at the worst days when everything goes wrong at work, when the clothes don't fit and the lighting needs to be fixed ten times, when the photographer never seems to be happy and requires more, more and more and when Minhyuk sees himself losing countless of opportunities and when he takes the bus home exhausted and on the verge of tears, Hyungwon will always be there to let him sink into his arms that carry so much love and warmth. Even when Minhyuk's head is aching and snot is blocking his nostrils from all the tears he's cried, breathing is still effortless. He lets himself fall asleep listening to the calming pulse of his lover's heart. Hyungwon's dainty fingers carefully stroke his hair, but he's too fast asleep to notice. Hyungwon places a small peck on his scalp and doesn't care the least when Minhyuk's runny nose stains his white shirt. 

***

Pretending a problem doesn't exist until it fixes itself is a toxic trait Minhyuk has always had. He is good at lying to himself. Even though deep down he always knows everything, he just decides to ignore it, hoping it will go away. Sometimes it's just easier to ignore stuff than confront things. Just focus on the good and the bad will go away. Problems will solve themselves, eventually. It's not that deep.

When he goes hiking with Hyungwon on a chilly autumn day and the lovely scent of soil, rain and freshly fallen leaves gives him an endorphin rush and he sees his lover smile with his eyes shining brighter than most days, he certainly doesn't remember when the same lover once gave him the silent treatment for not answering his phone. Or, when they spontaneously put on their coats and scarves and tread to a nearby 24/7 warehouse at 1 a.m. to buy cotton rope and a pack of cigarettes feeling like tiny villains being gay and doing crimes, Minhyuk does not remember how Hyungwon used to avoid his hugs for a few days with no apparent reason, how his displays of affection felt forced and how his mind was just somewhere else all the time. That's just how it goes. When they're having a happy moment, Minhyuk is relieved. They've always been well, after all. Everyone has bumps on the road, that's just how it goes. He has made a mess inside his head for nothing. They're more than well. Have always been.

When the tough moments slowly but surely start to override the happy ones and Minhyuk is still one stupid fool in love, desperately clinging onto everything good they still have and not willing to accept that sometimes love doesn't work like in movies or romance novels, it's hard for him to exactly pinpoint the time when everything started to go wrong. What once started as a faint noise, too small for a human ear to notice, has unnoticedly grown into a discordant orchestra drowning him in such a violent, piercing noise that in his memory, all soundless times feel like fever dreams.

When Minhyuk is coughing out his first petals on the kitchen floor, he also regains his sense of sight along with them and is now able to see the whole picture, now sharp and clear. The innocent-looking white rose petals are so brittle that they break when he tries to touch them and grasp what the fuck just happened and if any of this is actually real. When the dread of reality finally hits him, he's surprisingly calm. He is calm because, after all, deep inside, he knew that this would happen.

Minhyuk had seen it coming. He had just thought that living in a fantasy world would have made things a little more tolerable. Now, when he is inspecting the petals on the floor, guilt and blinding anger are slowly starting to suffocate his lungs, just as the flower roots will soon do, anyway. He feels mad at himself for not getting a hold of himself a long time ago when he still had the chance.

He should not have let himself take any risks. No matter how high in the clouds he's going to let himself soar, he should know his place will always be on the ground, crushed and miserable. There's no way to get around it. It seems likely to him that his faith was destined to him even before he took his very first breath.

Perhaps there's this slight deformation in his soul that will, in any case possible, cause him to eventually shatter his own heart, which so sincerely tries to understand humanity but will get beaten and bruised every single time. But still, if he had acted on his instincts earlier and ended their relationship before the orchestral snowball effect, it's unlikely that it would have been any less painful.

There are no winners in this war, only losers, and Minhyuk knows he is losing the war alone. On top of that, he's pretty sure Hyungwon doesn't even care.

Minhyuk's clarity doesn't last very long. A few hours after the petal incident, Hyungwon arrives home. He closes the door behind him and lets out a sigh. Minhyuk automatically runs to the door to greet him with a hug like an impatient puppy. The cold weather has made Hyungwon's grey jacket so cold that hugging him almost sends shivers down Minhyuk's spine. The winter will come soon, it's inevitable. When Minhyuk sinks himself deeper into Hyungwon's jacket despite the cold, a small voice in the back of his head wonders that maybe all of this is wrong and he should not be giving someone this much unconditional love which will be nothing but a waste. Still, Minhyuk hasn't gotten rid of his stubbornness and immediately shakes the thought away. He still has time. He has to have.

He will solve this on his own.

"How was work?" Minhyuk finds himself asking, having let go of his tired-looking boyfriend and his freezing jacket.

"It was alright", Hyungwon answers. His eyes linger in Minhyuk's own for only a fleeting moment before he proceeds to put his jacket and shoes where they belong. He doesn't say another word or look at Minhyuk's direction. He just goes to the toilet and locks the door. 

Minhyuk stands still for a moment and looks at the white, closed door before he gives up and sneaks into the kitchen and starts to cook dinner. This time, he tries to be extra careful with his cooking. He does not want to make mistakes. He has already made enough.

"This is delicious," Hyungwon mumbles with his cheeks full. He even smiles at him. It's not even a fake one; the corners of Hyungwon's soulful eyes crinkle. It makes Minhyuk's heart flutter like it always does, and for a fleeting moment, everything seems alright again.

Minhyuk has succeeded in at least one thing, food. The next thing he tries to get better at is cuddles.

When Hyungwon is lying on the couch and is watching Youtube videos on his phone, Minhyuk's fingers explore his fluffy, overgrown hair. After seeing Hyungwon smile again, he stretches his arm so that Hyungwon can lean on his shoulder. Minhyuk's cheek loves how soft his boyfriend's hair feels against it. Hyungwon's video goes on, and Minhyuk can hear him breathe when he leans on his shoulder. His fingers give his shoulder gentle, loving strokes.

At night, Minhyuk lets Hyungwon be the little spoon. The request makes Hyungwon's eyebrows furrow a little in confusion, but he doesn't ask any questions. He allows Minhyuk to hug him and wrap his legs around him so tightly it almost suffocates him while he rests his head on the pillow and drifts off to sleep. Minhyuk stays awake. Nighttime makes his chest feel heavy, and his tears wet the collar of Hyungwon's shirt. He is happy Hyungwon doesn't seem to notice.

One day during a break before a meeting regarding an upcoming model gig, Minhyuk goes to a nearby restaurant and buys two portions of takeaway lunch. Hyungwon works nearby today, and he has texted him not to eat lunch before he comes to visit him. When Minhyuk surprises him with fried chicken, Hyungwon face lights up. He wraps Minhyuk onto his arms and whispers a sincere "thank you". The unusual warmth of the hug forces Minhyuk to close his eyes and smile against Hyungwon's shoulder. He tries to take what he can get. Small steps still equal progress, anyway.

"You're welcome, love," he whispers almost inaudibly.

They eat their lunch in peace. The atmosphere feels soothingly calm, and it almost reminds Minhyuk of the frequent lunch dates they used to have when they both were younger and so in love. Butterflies flutter in Minhyuk's chest when he recalls those times. They would eat Chinese food and secretly hold hands under the table. Hyungwon would wipe the rice from the corner of his mouth with a napkin, and his eyes would portray infatuation so deep that he would get lost in them and almost forget his appetite. After eating, they would get boba tea and drink it quickly before heading to wherever they had to be. Before leaving, Hyungwon would sneakily take a look around to make sure nobody sees, and he would give Minhyuk a quick but loving kiss on the lips before parting ways. At that time, Minhyuk remembers being so grateful to have Hyungwon in his life.

Minhyuk almost gets so carried away in his nostalgia that he manages to forget the nasty cough he had that morning and the little, pinkish petals that landed into the white porcelain sink in their toilet.

***

The cough gets nastier over time. The same excuses don't do anymore. Minhyuk can't blame it on the flu anymore, and Hyungwon can certainly smell that he hasn't started to smoke more frequently, as he once tried to explain it. Hyungwon still cares, though, Minhyuk points out, and in a slightly masochistic manner, the stinging feeling this causes in his chest gives him pleasure. Hyungwon pushes him to see a doctor, which Minhyuk refuses every single time. "It's nothing, don't worry about it," he always says, unable to meet his lover's, no, _past_ lover's, eyes. Hyungwon doesn't really buy it but he doesn't push Minhyuk any further. He seems too tired, too absent, to do that.

Minhyuk understands. He has to constantly remind himself that Hyungwon is not in love with him anymore, no matter how many times it seems like the problem has fixed itself overnight. He has to remind himself that even though Hyungwon sometimes agrees to give him a soft kiss on the lips or even softer and warmer hug that still remains way too short, it doesn't mean that his boyfriend is really in love with him. Loving is different than caring, and Minhyuk should have learned it by now. He also should have learned that his pathetic attempts at being a perfect boyfriend to make Hyungwon fall in love with him again aren't worth shit. Every single time, it all goes back to the beginning.

Minhyuk finds himself sitting by the kitchen table alone, empty and completely worn out. The house feels too cold to even move in despite two living souls trying to heat it.

The sad part is that Minhyuk cannot force his heart to grow out of the past, its comfortable home, which nonetheless had started to grow mould deep inside its walls a long time ago.

In addition to Minhyuk's cough, Hyungwon has sadly picked up Minhyuk's weird behaviour. After Hyungwon finally asks what the hell has gotten into him lately, he can't come up with any believable explanations. He doesn't know how to explain why he's suddenly giving Hyungwon so much unwanted attention without revealing the ugly truth, so he doesn't bother elaborating. He is already ashamed of himself.

Everything Minhyuk has done to fix things has only made them both fall apart even more, so Minhyuk finally decides to let it go and at least try to accept the fact that not everything has a logical explanation to why it falls apart, sometimes it just does, and as frustrating as it is, too often, there's no one to rightfully blame for it. 

Except for Minhyuk, for dropping his guard and doing the one thing his younger self would have never allowed him to do: letting himself fall in love.

Hyungwon's love had just felt so good, so fulfilling, like nectar manufactured by no other than the Seraphim, the angels nearest to God. Minhyuk finds it twisted how something that had felt so holy could have turned out to be so sickly infernal.

Minhyuk had gone so deep into the love-induced euphoria that he had managed to forget his destiny in life. Chronic heartbreak. The love between Hyungwon and him had once been so strong he could have sworn they were soulmates if they were even a thing.

Feelings are indeed wicked demons, and Minhyuk is a fool. They tell you lies you so blindly believe in, then they swallow you and finally kill you.

Minhyuk finds it a bit funny in a twisted way how Hanahaki disease used to be an inside joke in his friend group when they were growing up. One of his friends, Changkyun, used to say "Be careful, you'll catch Hanahaki" when someone in the group confessed they had a crush on someone. It had merely been a joke. Minhyuk had always laughed along.

Years later, when Minhyuk is coughing the last of his lungs out in the toilet of his and Hyungwon's shared apartment and not only crimson rose petals but also droplets of blood are staining the floor, surprisingly, the joke isn't funny anymore.

It's been four months and he still hasn't told Hyungwon about this, but how could he? There's nothing he can do, anyway. Besides, Minhyuk still thinks it's all his fault. He should have seen this coming. In the end, he should have known better.

Minhyuk wets some toilet paper and swipes the floor until it's shining and free from petals. He drops all the evidence into the toilet and flushes them down the drain.

He wonders if Hyungwon's love towards him had been like the mixture of blood, petals and saliva that he violently coughs out every day, a painful but beautiful mess, a poor mistake to clean and flush down the drain. Something that would've never happened if one of them had known better.

Even if his lungs feel so severed that he's struggling to breathe through the pain, Minhyuk is glad it was him and not Hyungwon. Hyungwon would never deserve that, ever. He wouldn't allow him to go through what he does. If it had been Hyungwon, he would have dismantled his excuse of a heart in such small pieces they couldn't even be seen with the naked eye and rearranged all the small pieces into a different version of his heart that could possibly love him back. He would have done anything to get those roots to disappear from his delicate lungs.

Hyungwon wouldn't have done the same to Minhyuk if he knew about his state, but he doesn't care. He feels still lucky, in a way. At least the love of his life doesn't have to go through the pain of slowly and surely getting his insides torn apart.

Falling out of love is not a sin, after all, as painful as it is to admit.

A few tears fall on Minhyuk's cheeks. He is alone, leaning against the cold tile wall of the bathroom, drenched in cold sweat. His hands are trembling. Somehow he just knows that this is it. He knows that now it's his time. He should act before it's too late.

"Saving your own life is the most badass thing ever," he remembers Jooheon saying one time in a deep late-night conversation. His friend's words echo in his head. He can't shake them off.

Minhyuk takes a few short, painful breaths and reaches out for his phone that lies on the floor a few feet away. He contemplates whether to call Hyungwon or the emergency number. He hovers his thumb over the screen for a short while before opens the number pad and finally presses the green button.

Minhyuk calls the emergency number instead of Hyungwon.

A small smile forms on Minhyuk's lips. Jooheon would be proud.


End file.
